Desperately Seeking - Integrity In Individuals!

I'm not going to start with a dictionary definition of integrity as is the pattern when writing about such topics. The reason is simple, if we need a dictionary to define the word integrity, then clearly the purpose of the post is served.

The other day I re-read one of my favourite books, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. The thing about the book is that people often dispute the ideology of the book and the author. Fair enough, there is no need for every individual to follow a philosophy, leave alone one that is quite contrary to the accepted ideologies and principles of the world. However, it would be unfair to dismiss every aspect of the book. There are qualities defined such as integrity, original thinking that surely need to be given importance. No?

I'm not talking about taking a moral high ground and behave like an orthodox person unyielding to the obvious and necessary changes the world has seen. The need of the hour is to think broadly and more importantly on your on, not to fall for the high drama that the current social media is all about. There is also an absolute necessity to avoid any influence on your thoughts once you have decided on the path that you chose for yourself. That is all the integrity I seek.

When you set a goal in life, its easy to sway, you either work towards it and fail or give up midway. Often you feel tempted to take the shortcut to success, pay a simple bribe at first or compromise on your morals once in a while. Its simple enough you think, I wouldn't repeat it once I reach my goal. However, before you know it compromises are routine and later you convince yourself (rather well too) that it is unavoidable. Later it becomes a part of life.

This is when you realise (if ever you stop to think at such a juncture) that you have lost your integrity.

To walk a path where you hold on to your ideals, unbending and unyielding will be difficult, life will not be easy, but you find that end of the day your conscience is clear, the fruits of your hard work seem so much sweeter and far more valued.

My lament is where are such people now? Every person in the public eye has a proverbial albatross around his or her neck, big or small, skeletons either out of their cupboards or waiting to tumble out. Its a sad state of affairs where role models do not exist and my only hope to provide an example is to resort to a fictional character like Howard Roark.

Where are the Howard Roarks of our times?

O Captain, my Captain!

Writer's note - India Won the Cricket World Cup and the euphoria still remains high in my heart! The Captain truly made us believe and this one is dedicated to MSD!

It took me about 20 days to finally write about the historic win ! India had won the Cricket world cup and the last time the same had happened was a good 28 years earlier! I remember being excited about the pictures I had seen of Kapil Dev holding the WC Trophy on the Lords balcony, almost ten years after the event actually occurred. I even remember my cousins having a poster of the Captain and World Cup hero of 1983, Kapil Dev in their room. I had read of some and heard of many stories of courage and bravery of how the captain had led a side that nobody had given a second thought to as probable winners of the prestigious world cup. Fascinated, I had wondered how it felt to watch such an historic moment! The first world cup final I remembered watching was the 1992 one, where again a captain, Imran Khan had heroically led his team, Pakistan, to its maiden win!

By 1996 world cup, I was a cricket maniac like more than half this country’s population. We were the host nation and had a great side, we had our hopes! The way it was shattered is something that any cricket loving person in this country will remember with more than a little shame! Again a great captain, Arjuna Ranatunga guided his team, Srilanka, brilliantly to a victory that cemented Srilanka’s place as one of the finest cricketing nations.

In 1999, Steve Waugh, the Captain of the Australian team, not only won the cup for his team by winning against a formidable South African side that was the firm favourite to win the cup, but also apparently told a hapless Gibbs when he dropped Waugh’s catch ..that son you just dropped the world cup. Immense confidence in that semifinal match did not go invain, as Australia managed to hold on to that trophy for a record 3 consecutive world cups under Rinky Ponting the next two times.

Though in 2003, under Saurav Ganguly, the first Indian Captain to bring aggression into the side and a self belief that we can be world beaters too, India managed to reach the World cup final, Australia were a far superior team with the likes of Gilchrist, Hayden, MCGrath, Warne – each legends in their own right – still playing at their best.

2007 WC was the kind of disaster for the Indian team, that should be avoided mention if possible.

It was during this event that a promising and upcoming cricketer who had made an impression on the Indian psyche with his big hitting, powerful shots and long locks, had his effigies burnt and the foundation to his under construction house vanadlised by some fanatical fans swayed by extreme emotions. Strangely enough, this person was not the captain of that team nor was he the most important player of the team, there were other legends in the team. Yet the expectations from this individual was already sky high, the person was none other than Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

When all the big weights of the Indian team like Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid, Saurav Ganguly, VVS Laxman, Anil Kumble withdrew from the 2007 T20 first ever World cup held in South Africa. The Indian board sent a rookie team with a new Captain, MS Dhoni. Just like it was the case with Kapil Dev’s team in 1983, nobody gave this team the tiniest of chances to win the cup. Win, they did and in complete style, thus heralding a new generation of players into the Indian team.

The Captain, a small town boy with no connections, background or support had created quite an impression by his unconventional ways and cool approach. When he took over as the ODI captain and the test captain, nobody had reservations, as he had, by then, made quite an impression.

2011 World cup was special that way, India were one of the favourite teams to win the cup even over teams like defending champions Australia. With India playing host along with Srilanka and Bangladesh, the expectations were sky high. However as the tournament progressed, the lack lustre performance by the Indian team even in wins created quite an unrest in this cricket loving nation. MS Dhoni , by now an experienced captain was criticized for his team selection, poor strategies and lack of form.

The knock-out stages however brought hope, with India beating Australia convincingly and then winning against Pakistan comfortably though not comprehensively, still meant India had beat some of the best teams to reach the final. The final was to be against a very strong Srilankan side. Nothing less than a win and the hundredth International ton by Cricketing Legend Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar was expected .

The Final itself was well worth a final, with the drama starting right at the toss, with both Captains thinking they had won the toss and a re-toss where MS Dhoni lost the toss, much to everyone’s dismay! However, though Zaheer bowled like a dream initially, the captain continued to receive flak for his team selection. Indian Team, not really known for its fielding were flying around the field stopping impossible to touch balls, especially, Yuvraj Singh, Suresh Raina and Virat Kohli, the best fielders in the team. Some fluid batting by Mahela Jayawardane saw the Srilankan side make a decent 275 that was the highest target that needed to be chased in a WC final. Needless t o say, this had never been done before and nor had any home team won a WC before and no team had lost after a batsman had made a century. The history seemed to indicate another disappointment for India

While chasing, when India lost the fabulous Virender Sehwag, there was still hope as Sachin Tendulkar seemed to be hitting the ball well. However when Tendulkar nicked a ball for an easy catch and India were 32/2 there was a stunned silence in the Wankhade stadium where the deafening noise initially had actually been the reason why the match referee couldn’t even hear the toss call. It was not just the stadium that lost hope, it was also a nation full of cricket loving people and others watching from all over the world. As Gautam Gambhir and Virat Kohli, held on and played some wonderful shots, the hope seemed to slowly rebuild, run by run. When Kohli got out to a brilliant return catch by Dilshan, everybody expected an in form and 4 time man of the match winner in the tournament Yuvraj Singh to walk in.

Much to everyone’s surprise, in walked Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni.. there was ofcourse some strong cricketing reasons for this, he would later say, the left and right hand combination, his ability to play spin better and a better knowledge of Murali’s doosra. However at that time, absolutely nobody would’ve even raised an eyebrow had Yuvraj Singh walked in. Yet in taking a decision so brave, in the most demanding of circumstances, Dhoni had earned respect of not just the commentators but also of the entire nation. As the nation watched, Dhoni played with resolve and confidence, not an iota of fear or worry on his face. The commentators , who were earlier criticizing his decisions , couldn’t help putting into words what every Indian was feeling then, here is a captain, who does not evade responsibility , instead leads from the front, like a true leader!

When Gautam Gambhir lost out a well deserved century owing to one bad shot, India were still a little away from victory, but when Yuvraj singh walked in, there was almost a surety that yes, we were nearing that elusive World Cup win, because our captain had made us believe in him. Even when a physio came in to sort out a back strain, even when we saw him grimace in pain , we knew, this man would not leave the field without finishing the game. Finish he did and how, with nearly 10 balls to spare and yes with a magnificent last ball six. That Six will remain etched in the hearts and minds of every person who has witnessed it. A few seconds to watch the ball as it soared into the gallery and a bat twist in the coolest of fashion, a smile as an emotional Yuvraj hugged him . I, like many others that day, that moment became a fan of MS Dhoni, captain cool, captain courageous!

As he spoke in the presentation ceremony, like he did in every other match, admitting to making mistakes even when his so called bad judgements had worked well, I looked on in awe. Now he admitted to knowing the consequences, had his judgement gone wrong! Like the modest person that he is, he stayed on in the sidelines as the great man Sachin Tendulkar was paraded around the ground on the shoulders of the team mates who had all dedicated that win to this great man.

To think MS Dhoni had been criticized heavily for stating before the WC, that he wanted to win the WC for Sachin Tendulkar! It was then considered a sign of overconfidence! When the captain had proved his detractors wrong , he remained the same, living in the moment, not getting carried away nor making brash statements filled with arrogance. The mark of a true man lies in the way he behaves when he is at the pinnacle of success. Here is a man like no other, a true inspiration!

The Bitter bitter people!!

Everywhere you go - on the internet that is, you see people commenting enthusiastically on topics of importance , no importance et all... Like always I read through the comments about a young Bollywood actor getting married. He's been with her for 8 years..so when is the divorce the comments went. The other comments were along the same lines. I wonder, what is it that make people so bitter. Every comment you read on any issue makes you want to rethink your views. No not your views on the subject, but on the people all around you. As much as you would like to think the majority are democratic, forward thinking and intelligent people..every comment seem to say otherwise..
Bitterness is all I see. Everybody seems bitter. Some are just plain sarcastic but the bitterness in their voice(words) is hard to miss. Maybe they are tired of the routine, celeb link ups break-ups, marriages, re-marriages, patch ups, insults and praises they shower on each other, everything seems fake to them. Same goes for the political parties, when you have to decide on who to vote based on whose corruption was the least harmful to the people, we are indeed living in "bitter" times. Take sport, its no more fun. You want your team to win, no matter what, you hate the opponent, you suspect your own players of having taken money..or you see your favourites being auctioned like cattle in a cattle market. No fun, just that bitter feeling creeping in, why do I not make as much money..I work just as hard..ah bitter bitter very bitter.

So in a country (can I add not just the country) that is fast filling up with bitter people, there is no role for genuine people? Genuine people are doubted, questioned and branded as unintelligent, not fit for the current times. You are nice? Then you are not fit to live seems to be what the message is!

Ah you what bitter people...I have a message for you.. The bitterness gets to me as well, but I try and look at things without my own myopic view of things affecting things.. well most times..atleast there is something nice left in the world ..and I'm only too glad I see it. Take a look, you wont mind it too :)

PS - Happy New year!!

My Name is Khan!! (not a movie review)

IS this for Real? I cant believe my eyes!! A movie titled My Name is Khan...is being vandalized by the noble souls who run their politics in the dirtiest manner possible! The irony of it? The movie has a Khan in it !! SRK, though I'm no great fan of his, has been victimised to such an extent that I feel an urgent need to do something drastic.

Film fraternity, please wake up!! This is the time to unite and act!!

Has freedom of speech been discontinued in this country? Are we not allowed to speak anymore ..about anything sensible lest we be called anti nationals? Pakisthani players should have been taken for the IPL, valid n logical statement, how does that make Mr Khan a desh-drohi ? I would love to know that? We are not at war with Pakisthan and even if we were, cricket and politics should never ever be mixed.. Also, the players in question are not terrorists. How dare anybody- political outfit or otherwise ask Mr Khan to leave the country? What have these people done for the country ? Other than divide it along regional lines. Sena with its Mumbai for Marathis agenda is even more ANTI National that all the traitors of the country put together.

I fail to see how people take this lying down, especially people with power, authority and money !!

Please fight back people before we are taken over by some fanatics who are brain-washed and paid into believing things for increase their vote base by a party that is not even in power!!!!

Jai Ho...!

Now that Rahman's won the OSCAR everybody has something to say about him (All of it - from nice to great..!). I've my Rahman story too! This was way back, I dont even remember the year, it was before Roja for sure and when the TV was full of ads that had wierd music that went Washing powder Nirma, washing powder Nirma ...One day, I saw the most beautiful commercial, I dont remember what they showed in it, but I sure remember the music, it was classic. I thought wow thats great music. I din't know who made it, I din't find out until much later. Till date, that remains one of my favourite music tracks. Wow, did I really know then that a great talent was waiting to explode into Indian movie history, into the hearts, minds and souls of millions of listeners!
Then Roja happened and rest as they say, is history. So from winning the National award for his very first film, to winning the BAFTA, Goldenglobe and finally an Academy award seems like a dream. A dream, in which millions of listeners like me have lived for nearly 2 decades.
What is it that Rahman has that the others don't have? (ok, ok, not the oscars- besides that?). It could be his talent, his modesty inspite of his incredible fame and adulation. I clearly remember Rahman's 1998 show in Dubai. It was only his second stage show and was being touted as his biggest and most ambitious till date. Everyday, I would wistfully look at full page ads in newspapers advertising the show. Only a few days back I had had an argument with my dad about songs of Taal. I had said rather defiantly that the music is so god-damn awesome that no one could ever have made anything so beautiful. He had carelessly commented that now a days there's less of music and more of noise. So, watching some of my friends get tickets for the show I had cribbed to my mum as to how lucky they were to be going for 'the ARR concert' . On the day of the show there was little I could do to keep my spirits high! I was morosely doing homework when my dad suddenly comes home early and asks, what? You are not dressed? Don't want to go to the Rahman concert, waving 3 tickets wildly. I was gobsmacked (:))for want of a better word). My dad had bought tickets weeks earlier just to surprise me, was it super cool or what! The concert itself was way way beyond anything seen before and like everything Rahman touches, a grand success! That remains one of my all time favourite life-time experiences & yeah, my dad was completely bowled over by the charm, music, magic, melody, modesty and simplicity of the man called A R Rahman! To me, that day defined ARR, reaching out to even those far away from his music. That's true success..Jai Ho..!

Into the depths of fear...

We may call it India's 9/11, war on Mumbai or 26/11 or by any other name..the truth remains that it is the most heart-breaking event that this country has witnessed in a long time. The attacks were not just in the Taj or the Trident or the Nariman house, it was on the collective pshyche of this country and its people. I was not in Mumbai when it happened, I haven't been to the TAJ or Oberoi where the attacks happened, but I feel as affected as I would feel if it were to happen in my own house. The scale of devastation is unbearable, almost unreal. Being glued to the TV for 3 continuous days, not sleeping at nights, checking every single news item in the internet has invaded my heart so much that my nightmares are filled with fire, bullets, corpses ..a collage of survivor's stories. How can things be ever normal again? Ever? Can we just go back to our lives and even for a second imagine things would be just fine?

We have gotten so used to a kidnapping here, a murder there, some riots somewhere and yeah, a bomblast out there- scenario that nothing seemed to affect us any longer. We refused to change our routine for these. Well.. we thought, why let the terror affect us and let the terrorists win? Now, things are different ! if things have come to a state where there is no guarantee of returning home safe after a dinner or movie, then surely it is TIME TO ACT??? How long can we blame others, evade responsibility and expect to be taken care of? Who will take care of us? IF we can move out of our parent's shadow get ourselves a job and support ourselves then why are we not independent when it comes to the country. Why the blame game? why the pointing of fingers? When are WE going to do something?

Religion? Cast(e) Away...

My thoughts on Religion

Religion is a personal decision, an individual's path to connect with god.

Here's what I believe to be my religion...
I believe in the concept of one power to whom I pray. Name of the power is not important to me. Rather, its impossible for me to differentiate one 'God' from another. This could be mainly because I believe in faith rather than a concept of God. Many would say its one and the same and I'm indifferent to the idea of it being same or different. I also strongly believe that every individual has a right to practice a religion of his or her own choice. Also, that no other person should in any way influence that individual's decision.

I accept all faiths with all fairness and equality and do not believe any religion is better or worse than any other. In fact, my thoughts are that if you believe in god, then there is god & if you do not believe that there is god, then that is true as well. We have been given sufficient intelligence to decide for ourselves what is good for us, without imposing it on others. Preaching about a religion is acceptable if it gives facts, views and values of the religion but if its meant to degrade other faiths, then I do not favour such preaching.
As for conversions, I have nothing against them, conversion is an individual's choice. Sometimes its unfortunate that a individual is born into a faith, he does not find satisfaction in, so its upto the individual to choose a way in life, his or her religion. Its the collective mentality that I fail to understand in religions, if you are born into a certain religion then you must follow it all your life. Isn't this stand quite unfortunate? What about an individual's right to choose? It does help me that my feelings are not biased based on religion
or I would be worrying about my religion disappearing! Then I would fall into the trap of extremist thoughts and would end up doing acts that can lead me to be termed a fanatic..
Some say, we must practice tolerance of all religions, Its not tolerance that I practice, I practice open- hearted
acceptance.

My thoughts on Caste...

Much as I say this, I do have a grouse, the caste/creed distinction that are a part of many religions. Under the umbrella of a common God (since atheists are not part of this distinction!), the intolerance breeding is what makes it intolerable for me. What is caste? Like religion, something that you are born into, Unlike religion, one cannot embrace the caste that suits you best. You are burdened with the unwanted customs and practices that you have no interest in following. You may or may not follow the customs of the caste, but you are still forced to fill in the caste in any important document. Much as you may have abandoned caste, it haunts you all life. Why cant a human being
be accepted for what he or she has become as against what his or her ancestor practiced centuries earlier? Sometimes I find the most compassionate of people fall into the trappings of caste based distinctions. All individuals have the right to choose the way to live, so why not let them be? This society would be a much better place if rid of outrageously backward ideas such as caste

Fear Factor

Just after lunch on a really stressful day at work, I catch sight of a notice put up for movie tickets for the weekend. Hmmm, the movie did have some great reviews- may be I should see it this weekend? Then suddenly, out of the blue, some images flash through my mind - the ones they flash in the news after blasts. I am shocked! No, not by the images but by the very thought that my mind, unknowingly connected the acts - the entertainment (if its a good movie that is.:) of watching a movie and the complete heartbreak of a bomb blast. I dismissed the momentary thought and decided not to cow in to such thoughts and decided to go ahead with my plan (if I take enough time off to purchase the tickets that is..)

Its Real..
The impact is real and it exists and fear is slowly seeping into our collective psyche. I may not have gone into hiding completely or avoided going out, but still the thought creeps into my mind means somethings are just not the same as earlier! Subtle things bother you, like a fire drill in the office- its a mandatory exercise, happens more often than the monsoons, yet, yet - did I hear a mention of the possible bomb threat? Simple things like bags being checked at cinemas for more than just eatables, the constant presence of the law enforcers wherever you look. Things really seem to be changing. Am not sure if this is any good. I'd rather go back to being carefree and live life happily..well, not that I am not - but something is amiss - however small, that little piece (peace!!!) of mind!

Memories that make me smile..

My first ever memory, of sitting on top of a table
that was dinner time with my parents...

My dad buying me bangles of all colour
Taking me for long walks along the lanes

The way my mother always hugs me when i need it,
she seems to know when i need one more than i do.

Playing with my grandmother's silver hair..

Climbing trees to pluck mangoes from them..

Sliding down hills while playing catch n catch

Running like the wind across the fields..

Playing with mud, leaves and sand ...

Spending the night listening to stories..

Listening to my favorite song...

Watching the most romantic scene in a movie
I have seen atleast a 100 times..

Reading my favourite book and re-reading it..
again n again...

Meeting my favourite friend..

The days spent enjoying more than studying...

Those days spent in class with pranks being played all around
The games we played, the jokes we shared

The few precious moments spent with loved ones

Those are the memories i love

Those are the memories that make me smile...

Big B, the Khans and me..!

I love reading blogs, it gives me insights into what people think (at least the ones who write!)..Its interesting innovative, sometime routine but there is never a dull moment.. Thats what is so cool about celebrity blogging. Just as i know fellow blogger ramtaz(just a figment of my imagination), I know my Amitabh Bachchan, Aamir Khan or Salman Khan (or whoever else is blogging!) Well, even my Suchitra. Some of these blogs give me rare insight into a world that i have no access to (not sure whether I want the access - but whatever!). The workings of the mind of an artist is definitely worth a KNOW! Just like I know about the flu of the MBA student(blogger!!)from Singapore, I know about the German measels of Aishwarya (Rai Bachchan).
Wonder what leads celebs to blog? Its not like they really need more fame? They already have that..May be for some more? Naah - how much more famous can Big B or the Khans get? So what is it that drives them to write, what causes them to open up the lives that they were guarding with the spirit of a genie guarding a treasure? Not fame not more attention, nor more money..I would like to believe its a basic human desire to be heard..to let people know their side of the story. Sure they give interviews, interact with the media - but how much of their voice actually comes across, is questionable, So they choose the best option they have. As much as their personal lives are under constant scrutiny, its better you say it than have people say that you messed up. Again, am not so sure how many of the blogging celebs are being entirely honest (ok,not even entirely but majorly honest?)..lets assume a good percent are actually human and with their failures and short comings they are baring their souls to the world. Then the fans (of the human variety) and readers (who read all type) have a whale of a time reading the stories, the lives, the poems, the funny stuff, the media bashing..et all. Well something that's struck me though is that no matter how good an ordinary blogger is its not easy to develop a readership for your blogs, but not so if you are a celeb. You can, as a celeb, write the worst piece ever in your blog and get atleast a few hundred (if not more! ) people who claim to have loved it. Well, cant blame the celeb can you? They have done what they can, now if you thought the worthless bit was a classic, thats not really their fault. Also if not through the writing they have earned the right to be read by being good at something else. So, cant really get jealous of them either. So what is it that I do? Get vary (of them invading what was once our space- no not really!), then what? hmmm,,,Instead of getting jealous -I just chose to get inspired (no, no - not anything else!) to write my blog that I had neglected for a while. If they with their intensely hectic lives can blog as frequently then surely I can do it too..!

Oh...she did it again!

Some things seem right, some not so. If I believe that there is no such thing as right or wrong, all that exists is a perspective. What is right for you may be wrong for me and whats wrong for me may be right for you.
Then why do I feel some actions are wrong? Maybe its my perspective? I sound confused, I know.
The question in my mind is very simple, why would a girl who is madly in love with a guy and who has been with him for atleast 3 years suddenly dump him and go for another guy ( one divorce, one failed live-in relationship & a roving eye no less!)
I understand it not! I am not against people's choices. Its their choice after all! A decision as impulsive as this? I may be judging it wrong, but it bothers me.
A girl gets out of difficult relationship and meets a good samaritan. They fall in love and live happily ever after? No- they are happy together until one day the girl(with a smashing career) meets another guy (better?) and drops the good samaritan like hot potatoes and moves on quickly and how! Maybe the right guy came along a little later, so who was the good samaritan a temporary arrangement?
One fine day, can you really realise that the person I loved all along was the wrong choice? Instead the cool guy around is the right one? Well may be. It can happen but hey, not in a week's time! Give it time folks, its love- you need to nurture it , let it grow and try not to uproot it to count the roots. It takes a long time to grow into a tree, to destroy it and plant a seedling for a new tree is all great but is it worth? Well, its up to you to decide. I still cant digest it!
May be, marriage has domesticised me, or has it made me narrow minded? Whatever it is, I dont think it wise to make impulsive decisions in love, then it becomes a game of luck, if you are lucky, you get it right or you are left in the blue!

Oh..those wonderful places..!

There have been times when I have felt myself drift into wonderland when I look at some pictures and most often, those pictures would be of places -absolutely mindblowing places.

Some places just have that magic about them..they are so breath takingly beautiful that it is hard to imagine they exist. Exist, they do..and here is a proof for that..!

Friends and more...

I wrote this a few months back....

Writers note: On a day when life dint seem perfect, I felt the urge to write the following piece.. My mind was reeling under the weight of so many thoughts. So putting them in words has helped lighten my mind. I know, it wouldnt make reading easy! At every stage, I have just written whatever I felt like. There will be no consistency in style or method of explanation. Past & present tenses, active & passive voices, first hand accounts and just plain speculations merge with ideas..So dear reader...happy reading!! :)

Friend
I once had a friend. Well, in the context of friends we dont use past tense unless there has been a fight so bad that you start calling each other enemies..
There are exceptions though..

A Friend
After knowing each other's existence for a while, we started talking. Then, we started talking more. The more we talked, the more comfortable we felt with each other. We became friends and life would never be the same again. Its a wonderful feeling to have a friend. I think a statement like this is an irrelevant one. After all, what I have stated is nothing but the obvious. Still, I must mention it, because it is indeed an indescribable yet wonderful feeling.

Of Understanding
Whenever there is something to say, you rush to your friend. Well, that's the case even if there is nothing that needs to be said. Needless to say that your friend also comes to you for anything and everything. In all this there is a lot of understanding and misunderstanding. Sometimes, we understand the silences completely while perfectly misinterpret whats said in words. That is ironic but true. In most cases, we know in the heart of hearts, that the misunderstanding is nothing but that. Still we choose to ignore the heart and go by the external factors. When there is a problem the mind comes into picture and the ego takes over. What would have ended in a small "Sorry" grows into a huge heartache leading to the loss of something priceless ..irreplaceable!
I often wonder why we never have enough courage to go up to our friend ands just tell them how we feel and appologize if wrong or just accept the mistakes of the friend without the requirement of an appology? May be it does not happen all the time, but then its something thats common in friendships.

I understand you as much as I dont...

Of Expectations
I expected you be there in the darkest hour of my life!
But my friend , you know it was unavoidable, who knows it more than you? I have been looking forward to spend time with my family for years now. You were the one who encouraged me with the making this plan of a family vaccation?
Or it could be..You were the one who setup this job interview for me and you know how badly I was looking for this change?
Yet you say I wasnt there for you?
I dint expect you to be so angry with me!
I dint expect you to say all those things to me, your best friend!
I dint expect you to be so.....
Expectation, under the load of which best of friendships get strained.
Why do we expect so much from our friends? Are we capable of fulfilling the same if we were the person on whom so much expectation lay? Even if we are capable of meeting exceeding expectations, are we right in expecting the same from our friends?

I expect that you have no expectation from me..

Of Possessiveness
You dont own me!
I know I dont , but my friend how can I tell you without having to tell you in as many words that I cant accept the fact that you give more of your time to someone else?
But the truth is I dont! I give you more time my friend..
Maybe you do, but that cant stop me from feeling completely at loss when you are not around me when I need you.
Possessiveness is not a quality commonly associated with friendships. But it has to be admitted that it is not a quality alien to friendships. Many a friendship has disintegrated due to this one destructive quality.
Its a complicated emotion! When you like someone and someone likes you , its perfect. When you love someone and someone loves you again it can be perfect. But it is when this feeling lies somewhere in the dangerous waters of friendship that all problems arise.

Possessiveness is a quality I hate to possess..

On friendship
Well, all this goes back to just one thought. How do you define a friendship? Do friends love each other? Or is it that they like each other? Or does it lie in the earlier mentioned unchartable territory(something like a no man's land between nations?).

I love you my friend but not as much as I like you..

So why did I say I once had a friend? Due to one or all of the reasons. After writing all this I feel, I once had a friend. I always will have a friend just as I have one now.

To all my friends with love (or something like it).

A lady... did you say?

That tastes funny..!

Its often funny how a lot of our experiences are directly related to the food we eat/ate.
I had a rather wierd experience in a restaurant recently..

I had fallen ill and had been to the doctor.
Now, thoroughly inspired by the doc, who had asked me to eat a lot of fresh vegetables and fruits,I chose a salad to eat along with a sandwich. (I should have known then, it was the recipe for disaster) .When I ate a little of the salad,I felt there was something wrong with it. ( Well..like they say...its all in the mind..I thought ). I ignored not just the obvious signs of chances of spoilt food but also the salad and continued eating the sandwich. After a point, I tasted the salad again, this time I couldnt close my eyes (or my tastebuds) to the fact that it was indeed spoilt. I could no more accept the bad taste in the salad as its original taste ( which is what I normally do anyway) . Many times, I would've ignored the awful taste and just left it untouched. Today was a day I felt, where I had to do something about this (well may be I saw some movie that inspired me???) ..I called one of the waiters serving and told him very politely that the salad is spoilt. He looked shocked for a minute and then *very* promptly brought the bill.
Well..I thought..What did I expect anyway? An appology? Ha!

I was in the least amused and in no mood to forgive. I waved at another waiter, managed to get his attention and asked him to come over to my table. He came rather reluctantly, before he could say anything I said, Please realise, I am telling you ,the food you just served is SPOILT.
He looked at me as if I accused him of cheating on his wife!! He started stammering as if to his wife (that is ofcourse if he had indeed done the earlier mentioned action)

Suddenly my friend who was with me decided I had taken it a little too far (without much result ofcourse). In a very business-like manner he started.. was this salad made now or sometime earlier in the day? (..."earlier in the Week" I thought , seemed more appropriate to the taste ).
For this the waiter diligently replied..no sir, it was just made.
(ha! What did my friend think anyway? The waiter would tell him that actually, it was never meant to be a salad.
What could be the story??.......
The waiter had made Rajma & chawal at home for breakfast on monday morning, there was a little left over rajma which he dint want to throw away, so he put it away. On Wednesday night, his wife cooked some macroni for the kids, again, she put the leftovers aside. On saturday, he came to work as usual..but unfortuntley for him, the main salad- maker was on leave. But the salads were popular and priced high. He needed to do something, he thought of the rajama n macaroni..Eureka ....he knew how salads were made.. Rushed home mixed the two..added some mayonnaise..viola...Salad was ready to be served!! )

By the time I came back from my fanatasy trip, I had missed a lot of conversation.
Then again I hadnt missed much either, 'cos either party was still stuck at its earlier stance.

Instead of accepting the food was indeed bad, the waiter chose to make it all look innocent, which made it worse. I wish I could just catch him by his throat and make him admit (gosh! I watch too many Hindi movies I believe)
Suddenly, my friend had had enough of it, he said ok, pack it...

I was dazed?? Pack it ?? For what?? Poisoning the boss??
I dint understand the next sequence as if in a typical art movie.
I saw the waiter gleefully dashing away with the bowl of salad (May be his wife forgave him ? I thought stupidly...actually he looked so happy and relieved ..may be his wife offered to divorce him??)
Ok I admit, I was not thinking straight, this whole packing thing had thrown me off the orbit.
On receiving the parcel, I finally asked my friend...So what was that all about??? He grinned sheepishly and replied..Well, I meant, pack that , we'll get it tested. I dint quite hear the "We'll get it tested " though..nor does it seem has our happy (divorced?) waiter.

Well...What can I say? As I silently walked out of the restaurant carrying poison for my friend's boss, all I could think of, was the death of the activist in me!
What a sad death at that...( it could be 'cos I was under-nourished..after all it was MY salad)

I am what I choose to be

I must warn you before you read, my blogs are going to be as varied as can be (or extremely similar!). Thats 'cos, everyday is ruled by a different emotion. I may feel extreme despair one day about the state of things, while another day I would be happily singing about the beauty of life. So, be warned!
My friend told me very recently, you say, you are what you choose to be .. but hey I think you are not.. Take today for eg, You are not well and you are unhappy about it. Here is how I reasoned, I probably (invariably!) have chosen to be unhappy today, feel a little sick (for some variety in life!). Well, all I can say is I was laughed at and quite rightly so.
Life is full of contradictions and yeah, may be I epitomise the contradictions called life. After all, I am what I choose to be??

Sense 'n' Sensitivity

Reason is a state of mind or is it really? Sense is when we do things right..isnt it? Sensitivity comes from within..doesnt it? Too many questions I believe. Are there answers?
I was travelling in an auto-rickshaw one day, a day no different from any other. I was as usual, pre-occupied with my own thoughts. Suddenly, in a traffic signal, a small child thrust a packet of ear-buds on my face. I waved off the child, only half-comprehending what was happening. Suddenly the child started crying mildly and pulling my dupatta. I looked at him and my heart stopped for a moment. Somewhere in the distance I heard the auto-driver say, "go away boy..its their usual tactic madam, they do this with all the people". The dilemma was all mine, My heart said ,I had to buy those ear-buds. But would it be the right thing to do, my mind asked? Am I encouraging begging, no!! my heart reasoned, this is not begging, he was just trying to sell. I took a 10 rupee note and gave him, he happily gave me the ear-buds and rushed to the next auto before the signal turned green. I felt my insides churning. What was it that I was feeling so guilty about? Was it the fact that though I been through this situation a million times before (felt terrible too) had never bothered to do something about it?
It does make sense for me to think, begging should never be encouraged. The child was technically begging here, in the guise of selling something. It can in no terms be described as selling, as the emotion on his face was one that would evict pity. Pitiable. If I buy something from him, immediately I'll be swarmed by many others who would also incidently offer me more ear-buds (which happened too). So here I am encouraging begging, even though the whole idea of distributing those ear-buds to be sold were to eradicate just that.
Its a disturbing thought.
I wonder about the small boy who came and caught my dupatta. What could've happened in his 5 years of existence that lead him to get so desperate. The answer is obvious, he is no beggar, he is no thief. He doesnt want to sell those ear-buds too. Would he even know what they are used for? Had he been born into my family, he would be probably sitting on my lap or pulling my dupatta to buy him an ice-cream. He was plain un-lucky to have either been born poor or for being forced to do begging by the grown-ups around him. What if he were also set targets on a daily basis (like they have in the big companies- sales targets). What if the reason he cried was because he would get beaten up if he doesnt achieve his targets ?( thats the bonus cut) Or he had to go hungry for the day because of that?
I'd rather break the rule and encourage the young boy rather than live with the thought of how un-happy he would be otherwise. Maybe the 10 rupee wouldnt make much difference to him (the managers make all the money even if you acheive targets), but then again..Maybe it does??(a promotion on cards?) .
But there is one thing I promise, as long as there are little children on the road, I'll need to clean my ears.......

Now for an Intro,,

I remember the day I started the Blog, deeply disturbed, unable to think straight, I had somehow managed to grab a title for my Blog, that seemed suitable enough. But very honestly, its only now that I have cooled down enough to write an introduction for the blog.
Firstly, let me introduce myself. I am just like any other normal human being, but then again how many human beings are normal? There starts a series of endless contradictions called ME.
Reasons 2 think is not about any specific issue or feeling. Its an amalgamation of all the beautiful feelings that a person has. (Here, beautiful is as beautiful does ) :)
Undeniable Happiness, extreme sorrow, unbearable anguish... any genuinely deep emotion has a place here.
Any issue that affects - as the cliche goes...good, bad or ugly!
Let me keep this short, really short, until next time...bye bye :)

Democracy, I cry for you..!

My heart is filled with fury..! Is this the same country I was born in? The country about which I was taught in school and strongly beleived "What makes India Unique is its diverse and pluralistic society and its acceptance of people of all caste,creed,color,religion and language as they are" .
Ha!! Then, this is just not the same country anymore. This is a country where a voice of reason is targeted at and threatened with violence at its rawest form.
Take the recent issue of the Narmada Bachao Andolan (NBA) . The cause for which the NBA activists are fighting for, is a noble one. But hey, who-ever said any cause (noble or otherwise ) requires approval from certain sections of the society to be put forward?
What is right or wrong in a society where an attempt by an activist to draw attention to the cause at hand by a hunger-strike is counter attacked by a political outfit with a similar hunger-strike( besides a lot of vandalising and threats, ofcourse)?
Rehabilitating people displaced by the construction of the dam is a primary responsibility of the Government, which is what Medha Patkar is trying to highlight with her non-violent protest. If anybody has any kind of reservations against the issue at hand, (be it anyone..politicians or others) then it must be solved by the method of debate and talks as is done in a civilised society.
Amir Khan, as a concerned and responsible citizen of the country lent his support to the cause of NBA. But here again, he had to bear the brunt of being a celebrity. He had his posters and effigies burnt and slogans were shouted at him. Cinemas displaying his movies were attacked.
Is this the way to react to an opinion put forward by person in a democratic society?

Democracy, Why disgrace yourself in a country where a person cannot voice his or her opinion?
Democracy, Why ruin your legacy, if sane people are threatened, harassed or killed by insane people (who incidently also claim to be your advocates)?
Democracy, Why associate yourself with a country that does not respect non-violent protests against issues that need attention?

This is a nation full of people who were clearly asleep when the very foundations of you,Democracy, was being terminated systematically by communal elements.

Finally, there seems to be an awakening among the educated sections of the society..But hey, dint they know? They are not in a democratic society anymore, they are not allowed to express themselves as that would be exercising a fundamental right (Freedom of Expression)
While they were sleeping democracy had slipped out of their hands..
DEMOCRACY....where are you? they cry .....